Reviewing the Tec 9 Assault Pistol
by Jack Corbett

No one knows exactly how Peter the Great came back from the dead to save the United States from disaster. The country's health care system had been ruined because of the lawyer's. Every insurance company had gotten out of the health insurance business and nearly every established health care provider had been driven out of business because of the astronomical cost of malpractice litigation unleashed upon them by rapacious lawyers. Hardly anyone wanted to start a business anymore for fear of being sued for wrongful dismissal of an employee or personal injury on the job. In his long reign as the Russian Tsar in the late 17th and early 18th centuries Peter had single handedly transformed Russia from one of the most backward nations on earth to one of the most preeminent nations in Europe. A true patriot, Peter had been the prototypal benevolent despot, building Russia a modern navy and powerful army, gaining a landlocked Russia ports on the Baltic and Black Seas, defeating the Swedes who fielded the most powerful army in Europe, stopping the unbeatable Ottoman Turks bent on conquering Europe, and putting the Greek Orthodox Church in its place by wresting power from the Church and putting it into the hands of the Tsar. Some say Peter came from God. But wherever he came from whenever his voice commanded, people obeyed. Seated before Peter was a group of lawyers and gun control advocates who had sued gun manufacturers in Civil Court in Camden, New Jersey for punitive and treble damages they claimed had been incurred by the County and citizens of Camden. This was Peter's first case. The defendants were on trial for their lives for wrongfully trying the Tec-9 and other "Bad" guns in the United States District Court for the District of New Jersey.

Peter slumped in his chair as he addressed everyone in the courtroom: "The defendants introduced into this courtroom the following action which sought to deprive all citizens of this county of any firearm they didn't approve of. I read from their legal brief:

Nature of Action

This is a civil action for injunctive relief and compensatory, punitive and treble damages for harm caused to the County of Camden and its citizens by the defendants, each of whom individually or collectively, have (a) created a public nuisance by causing certain firearms to be present or to be used in Camden County in a manner which has interfered with the County's, and the Country's citizens', enjoyment of life and property; (b) placed in the possession of County residents, employees, or visitors, firearms which are not suitably fit or safe for their intended purpose because of defective designs and inadequate warnings; (c) breached their contract with the intended and foreseeable users of certain firearms; (d) caused bodily injury and death, and the fear of bodily injury and death to Camden County citizens and guests; and (e) interfered with the economic advantages which would have been available to the County of Camden and its citizens had the County not been forced to expend its resources to address the harms caused by various firearms introduced into the County of Camden."

Peter rose to his full seven foot height from the Bench: "This is my first of many cases. You are on trial because you are a bunch of arrogant, rapacious crooks who have put your own selfish interests above those of the country and have practically ruined this great nation. Specifically I am charging you with calling up on legal charges innocent victims for the sole purpose of lining your own pockets and the coffers of Camden County. Your fate will be determined by this court's decision on the innocence or guilt of the Tec-9, a so called assault weapon manufactured by Kel-Tec which you put on trial for the sole purpose of disarming American citizens and extorting money from the manufacturer along with other manufacturer's of guns you called "evil weapons". For my first witness I present Leah Layne, who was among other things Miss Nude of Illinois in 1999.

Carlos Bullshit (acting as counsel for his follow defendants). "Your honor, I object on the grounds that Leah Layne is a feature entertainer, dances nude on the stage, and is hardly an expert who can even begin to testify in a case such as this one."

Peter: "Bullshit. Sit down. Leah Layne served four years in the United States Navy before she became a feature, got an honorable discharge and on numerous occasions fired different weapons. Her qualifications far exceed yours or those of your fellow lawyers on trial here whose qualifications extend only to advanced techniques in twisting the meaning of words, extortion, chicanery, lying and treachery. Then turning to Leah who had now seated herself comfortably in the witness box. "Tell us a little about the Tec-9."

Leah Layne: "It's a small gun weighing less than 3 pounds. It's chambered for 9 mm, a round that has not gained a very good reputation for stopping power. It normally uses a 32 round clip and has a 5 inch barrel. It can get a lot of rounds out in a hurry as fast as one can pull its trigger but you can also do that with a lot of other weapons."

Peter: "How would you rate the effectiveness of this weapon compared to other types of weapons"?

Leah Layne: "It is relatively small and can be concealed by a person wearing, say, an overcoat, but it is not nearly as conceal able as a good 45 automatic or a .357 magnum even with their longer barrel lengths. The 9 mm doesn't stop an adversary nearly as well as these cartridges or many others. The Tec-9 has crude sights and a coarse trigger pull which makes it hard to shoot well. It sold for around $200 which made it pretty affordable. Its earlier versions were fairly easy to convert to full auto, which made them into small submachine guns. Even so, it was the kind of thing that is only useful for short ranges–say up to 15 yards or so and for spraying a room full of people in a hurry. But you can accomplish the same thing and do it better with a 12 gauge shotgun"

Peter: "Why is that?"

Leah Layne: Suppose you got an 8 shot pump or automatic with an 18 to 20 inch barrel both of which are legal. You can cut a man practically in half with one up to 25 yards and have an excellent chance of hitting him. You can identity up to 8 armed men attacking you and put one load of buckshot into each one of them. With a fully automatic Tech Nine, one tends to put his bullets into just a couple of people with the rest of them going into the air. And you can always use a hacksaw to saw a shotgun's barrel down which makes it just as conceivable as the Tec-9. "

Peter approached the witness stand and put a rifle in front of Leah.

Peter: "And what do you think of this weapon compared to the Tec-9?"

Leah Layne: "That is an M-14 which supplied much of our military throughout the first half of the Vietnam War. It fires a .308 high powered rifle cartridge from a twenty round clip. The M-14 and its civilian variants known as the Springfield M-1 A will fire as fast as you can pull the trigger. It is very powerful, nearly always putting a man down with just one shot and it is extremely accurate. If you are good enough with one you can hit people from a thousand yards off. In most circumstances, it is far deadlier than a Tec-9."

Approaching the witness stand, Peter replaced the M-14 with a 1911 style 45 automatic, a Tech-9 and a ten shot Browning Hi Power in 9 mm.

Peter: "And how would you compare these weapons, Leah? Which would you choose?"

Leah Layne: "The 45 automatic hands down. It is the choice of professionals world wide. It is the fastest in action, has the best stopping power, and the greatest accuracy. Most of the pros winning combat style shooting matches choose the model 1911 45 auto. The Browning Hi-Power has had wide acceptance with many countries as a military sidearm but it is not nearly as good as the .45."

Peter: "Then why was the Tec-9 so popular if it isn't nearly as deadly as the .45?

Leah Layne: "Because it looks cool. Look, during the 1980's it was popularized in the t.v. series, "Miami Vice". It fires from a 32 round clip so it makes a lot of noise and looks good on t.v. or in the movies. A lot of drug dealers liked them because it looks intimidating. It's the sort of thing that appeals to an eleven year old kid, drug dealer or drug dealer wanna bee all of whom have the same mentality and it's pretty cheap but no self respecting FBI agent, Navy Seal or cop would prefer it to a lot of other weapons."

Peter addressing Carlos Bullshit: "Not only did you charge Kel-Tech with making dangerous weapons available to criminals, you also charged Browning, Ruger, Smith and Wesson and many other companies. In your indictment of Browning you and your people pleaded: "Defendant Browning markets the High-Power model, a 9 mm semi-automatic pistol which has a ten bullet magazine capacity, yet has a barrel length of only 4.75 inches, an overall length of 7.75 inches, is only 1 3/8 inches wide and only 5 inches in height. This powerful firearm is still small enough to be concealed inside a waistband and under a shirt."

Peter smirked as he continued. "Yet here you sought to try Kel-Tec and its Sub 9 9 mm rifle for having a barrel that is too long. Your legal brief states: "According to Kel-Tech's own description, the Sub 9 "will deliver much higher muzzle energy and penetrating than the relatively short barreled pistol. Further the Sub 9 has greatly extended range compared to a hand held firearm or shot gun firearm." Is it true that you and your colleagues charged fifteen other handguns with similar misdeeds such as having a barrel that was either too long or too short, being able to fire double action, being a semi auto and therefore firing faster than a revolver, or being small enough to be tucked in a man's belt and concealed by his coat?"

Carlos Bullshit: "No. We didn't."

Peter: "Liar. I find you guilty of contempt of court. I read all 28 pages of the original transcript which degrades all rational thought and common sense. I also find you and your fellow lawyers and gun control advocates of wrongfully bringing to court innocent victims starting with the Tec-9, the Browning High Power, the Glock 17, Smith and Wesson Chief's special and other guns. How can you bring charges up against an inanimate object? Guns don't kill. People do. And look at all the criminals you got off? And as we have seen from Leah's testimony, you and your co defendants have tried to label guns as either good or bad weapons as you saw fit. Guns you call "Good weapons", such as the shotgun, M-14 and the 45 auto are the most deadly, while what you called the bad weapons such as the Tec-9 and Browning Hi power are not nearly as lethal as those you call good. This whole document amounts to a trainload of pure shit and you charged the taxpayers of Camden County for it by the wheel barrel at lawyers' inflated prices. You are a disgrace to the human race."

Carlos Bullshit: "But your honor."

Peter: "Shut up. I also find you and the others guilty of treason. You have sought to disarm U.S. citizens by suing the gun manufacturers in your proceedings. The whole proceedings lined your pockets at over a hundred dollars an hour. You sought to take all guns away from Americans on the basis that they were semi automatic, were too heavy or too light, too inexpensibly produced, or were too powerful. Thus you wilfully tried to overturn the U.S. Constitution which guarantees Americans the right to own and bear arms just to line your own pockets as if you knew more than our Founding Fathers. I condemn you to a shootout in Peter's corral which is an 80 acre field. You and your co defendants will be armed with Tec-9's while your adversaries will be armed with M-14 semi automatic rifles. You will soon see which are the deadliest weapons."

Carlos Bullshit: "But we will be hunted down and massacred. We will have a chance only if we get real close to the riflemen."

Peter: "Okay. I'll give you more of a chance. Half of your adversaries will be FBI agents armed with 1911 style .45 automatics."

Carlos Bullshit: "You will still be sending us to our deaths. Those FBI agents are very skilled with those 45's."

Peter: "Then you should have thought of that as you were trying to self-legislate which guns Americans can own and which ones they can't with the ultimate goal of taking all guns away from Americans. Your time would have been better spent learning to shoot at the gun range."

I have changed the names of lawyers initiating the court action for Camden County against the gun manufacturers to protect the guilty. The rest is pure fiction on what could happen in a more just world. Those wanting more info on this sorry episode are invited to view the 28 page document at http://www.vpc.org/graphics/camcount.pdf

Jack Corbett